2nd December 2023

Death hopping entity
A shapeshifting force

Skipping stone casting ripples in the lake but never sinking

This year was such an immense and depressing waste. Especially after loving it and looking forward to it for so, so long... I feel like I am made of two magnets that are repulsed by each other, opposite poles that should never physically, mathematically, energetically ever be able to meet, but are being forced together regardless, and what it's doing is bending reality around me until it breaks. I burn when I think of it. And it will only get worse once it's over, and the time is gone, never to be redeemed.

I've never failed so astronomically in my life. I'm so sad for myself and everything else, everything I touch that's turned to ash

Or everything I haven't, that did anyway.

Action and inaction. Both as fearsome as the other. Both as powerful as each other. Inaction is an action in disguise. And i'm paying it's price.

Pure grief in every sense of the word, from every angle.

Time Void.

I want to abandon this body. It barely serves me at all. It's broken, disabled, sick, incapable. All I do is watch everything rot around me as I struggle desperately to save it.

Even when I do succeed, the universe prevents it all from reaching fruition, as though I repel everything by my sheer existence. Nothing is allowed to happen.

Something is wrong. A wire is misfiring.

My energy inside is sharp and alive. But my body a dead weight. This body is the reversal of my mind, pulling it all down into the ground. My crown should face the sky but instead it faces the core of the earth.

I want to let it shrivel away into nothing, and find a new one that does what I want, does what I NEED.

I will be back here. As soon as i'm freed from Time. I've made a mission of it.

Somewhere in the cosmos there exists a different set of variables in the chaos of multiversal life. A time where things were just slightly different, where I was just a fraction more capable, and did just a little more with my time.

Time. I dont get much of it. Far less than the average person. We don't all have the same 24 hours in day. We don't all have the same bodies or conditions.

Anyone who's been at war with their health knows there is nothing we can do in the face of it. We can fight, but ultimately its about surrender, and acceptance to the fact that we have been set back and interfered with. Handicapped and crippled. Restrained. Restricted. Shackled. Imprisoned. That there is the theme of my life, and everything else is secondary, a sub category.

I will never stop failing, due to the conditions I was born.

I sit and watch the world go by from my window. All my life i've longed to join it, but could only ever watch it fade out of reach, or participate through a screen

Its not a defeatist mindset. its reality.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. But I also know I am made to live in extremes.

I grieve over Time like I grieve over people. Because that's all it really is, truthfully. People don't die, timelines do. Time dies. Time ends and takes everything with it.

I just want to escape from this never-ending hell. I feel as though i've been chained here for an unfathomable amount of time, Fenrir. When will the punishment end

Why this version of events... why?

Sometimes it seems no more than a failed experiment.

Takes a thousand of these to discover the light.

Even after all this time i'm still dying.

Echoes of death reverberate through me. In so many more ways than one. When, oh when, oh when will I become part of it? When will these chains corrode and set me free?

When is my sentence through?